tough gig

What a tough gig.  I am getting ready to leave.  Quit my job and go to University of theNations in Kona, HI.  I am super excited that God would allow me to do something so amazing.  However... dagnabbit the warfare is tough.  I absolutely have an enemy who would like to keep me from going and the arrows he slings are sharp.  Bastard.
I believe, tho.  I have faith that my steps are being ordered and no matter how jacked up things may get or how twisted the jerko may try that God will get me there.  God alone, because I would screw things up pretty quickly truth be told.
I'm tired.  I have just a few weeks left at work and the transition is going to be strange.  Good, but strange.  Saying goodbye to these women who have become my dearest friends.  What a loyal group they have been.  So supportive, so loving.  So generous, so sincere.  Ugh.

My Friends love me... (sappy smile)

I am so blessed.  Today I had a bbq.  What a great day.  Friends I haven't seen in so many years~ came. How fun.  Reconnecting.  I was concerned about the grill because my brother Doug always mans the grill for me, but he was playing at the Gallo tonight, so he wouldn't be here.  Right out the gate after arriving my friend Ricky says, "Do you need help w/ the grill?"  What a blessing.  He handled it all like a pro, so good.  Such a gift.  My Dear Friend Cindy drove all the way from Fresno on her way to Lodi and was intentional about stopping by and staying for a while.  My words upon seeing her and my true feelings were, "I could not be more pleased."  It was so, so cool.  Reconnected with Jesse and Maria, which was a friendship I had grieved and thought lost.  Yay for new seasons!  My sweet Tera came and I love that we are such good friends I can say anything to her.  Julie, Beckie, Jeannette, Bill, Kimmy, Amy, Ricky, Dirk, Bubbs...Bubbs!...Josh, Jenn, Korby, Carol and baby Mia... so so precious.  What a great day, I am so blessed.  My friends... love me.  And I love them.

What was, is not what is.

I have done a lot of grieving in my 40 years.  I know every life has grief and things we need to work thru...I guess I should be grateful it has not been worse.
Right now I am grieving the earthly love of my life.  JESUS is the true love of my life, but right now I am grieving and once again saying good-bye to the one man who has held my heart for close to 20 years.
I have kept  him tucked away- in his little compartment in my heart.  The sick part of me has liked him there and lived with the knowledge that no matter what...there he would be.  Sick. I have given him back to God before...powerfully so, relinquishing him back into the arms of the One who created him and loves him more than I ever could.  I felt good, free.  But somehow I always take him back.  I always pick him up again and lug him around with the regret I have always felt for leaving him, like an idiot.  We were 23 and 24 when we married.  We both came from broken and dysfunctional homes.  We didn't know what our issues were let alone what to call them or how to deal with them.  He had an addictive personality and I was an enabling codependent with serious abandonment, anxiety, and control issues. After trying literally everything I knew to do, I fled.  So much regret.  I seriously walked out of the perfect extended family.  The most Godly people I have ever known... I should have stayed for THEM! He was perfect for me...before I knew what was perfect for me...but God knew.  Tall, broad, with that smile and a little lisp.  Handsome.  so handsome.  He could  pick me up like it was nothing and place me.  Shift me.  Adjust me.  I felt safe in his big arms.  But that was then.  And this is now.
17 years after saying I do, I still...do.  But, I haven't in 11 years.  He remarried, then I did.  He has three kids.  Two step, one bio...all the same in his heart.  As it should be. I married a selfish soul sucker and proceeded to allow the life to be sucked out of me for several years, being robbed of my health, sanity, and ultimately my finances.  Praise You God for your deliverance.  
The point of all this pathetic reminiscing is just that once again...I need to lay him down, only I need to do it fully.  No more little compartment.  No more hindering.  It's amazing to me how God allows things to come up right before He has us walk into something huge.  My life is changing, on every level, and He wants it all cleaned up.  Aaaaaall taken care of so He can build me up into who He wants me to be and aaaaall He truly has for me.  (reminds me of the story of the little girl w/ the pearls)
I need to come out from under the generational curse that holds on to the love of your youth beyond what is healthy.
I need to not be double minded.
I need to allow him to go, and be the husband and daddy he is called to be.
I need to not regret the choice I made all those years ago, because things have come that I would have never known...things have worked together for the good and I need to embrace those things.  Ugh!
I need to walk into this next season not just kinda delivered of the demons of my broken past... but truly delievered.
I need to allow my beloved Jesus, to be my only lover and true husband of my heart and life.  My Adonai.  He can move me.  He can shift me, adjust me, place me where He wants me to be.

ACCEPTED

Happy Independence day!!  What a sweet day, cousin Jenn and her hubby Josh came to bbq.  Bill stopped by in the morning and in the afternoon and Craig was here so it made for a real nice day (my bro's).  Jenn and Josh brought the dogs, so it is ALWAYS wonderful to see Sumo and his new sister Lily.  What sweet babies they are and it does my heart so good to snuggle with each of them.  Ah, dogs, the true good in this world.

So!!  I got it... I am accepted to YWAM and University of the Nations in Hawaii starting September 27th.  I am beyond excited for this next season in my life.  Starting round 2 w/ the IRS regarding relief from the Ex's fiasco and trusting that Justice will indeed be served as I walk by faith...forward.
I need to - get new health insurance, find out about the insurance on my car just sitting for 9 months, set up an account-hopefully thru my church- for a tax deductible way to have support, get a USB drive, pay my $1000. in advance for deposit, book airfare, yada yada yada... got the passport, told the bosses, preparing for my departure.

I know that everything is about to change.  I have wanted true change and growth for so long.  Years.  I am so humbled and grateful that God is allowing me, blessing me with a way to go and grow!  Thank you, God.  Thank you, thank you....

What an evening.  I was driving home remembering some dear friends of mine.  Lifelong friends.  I haven't stopped by in quite some time so right at the four way stop that leads to their house I just strongly felt that I should turn left and go see them.  Yes, it meant dinner would be later.  Yes, it meant I wouldn't get to the yard work I wanted to do.  Yes, yes...but I turned left.  As soon as my friend let me in the door, I could see she was not alright.  This woman is literally like a mother to me, and her eyes were red, she was downcast.  "Are you alright?" I asked,"Yeah, well..no, _____ has breast cancer."  Sinking feeling.  _____ is 6 months younger than me with 3 small children.  I have known her since I was 18 months old.  They are doing lumpectomies and giving her the choice of taking one breast or two and when, yada yada, chemo, radiation....  Ugh.  I couldn't cry.  Her mother was weeping and explaining everything and I was just shocked. I just sat there.  I felt guilty for not joining in her tears, but I just sat there... _____.  _____.
I know well enough that when you are truly in a pit all of the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and the "all of this will work together for her good" schpeal is just ridiculous to bring up.  Pain is pain and we are all allowed to feel it.
I got home and my 'replacement phone' had arrived because the phone I have had for 8 months  has these glitches that they can't seem to fix by wiping my phone clean.  Grrr.  So now I have 7 days to switch everything over and see if this 'new' phone works any better.  Great.  My ringer, that I have NO idea how my ex husband got to work... is as good as gone.  I hate choosing a blasted ringer.
I also came home to an envelope from the IRS.  Not the one I THOUGHT I would be getting, so I praise God...this battle is still in progress and lets face it, timing is everything.  But I am tired of this battle.  I feel weary.  Sad.
My brother and I live together.  I love him and he is a great brother.  He has his quirks, as do I, and for the most part we try to just live around them.  His love language is gifts and he is ever bringing home junk food and dancing around in front of me with it like, "lookie, what I brought  you!"  Right now, I am fasting sweets and desserts as a sacrifice and reminder to pray for a major event my church is having next month.  He doesn't fast and hasn't come to a place where he understands it yet.  He rolls his eyes and says, "Jesus said to eat what you want."  and I said,"Jesus himself fasted, and He is my example."  Hellooooo.  Well, that's fine we can agree to disagree and I am fine when he eats sweets, actually totally fine.  But he keeps saying things to me like, "mmmmm. brownies."  or,"hey, should I make these sugar cookies?"  I am like, "yeah, go ahead."  to which he answers, "you suck."  because he wants to share them with me.  Sorry... not.  So this evening, after my girlfriends news, etc, I come home and no joke...there is a pizza sized danish with crumbles and apple filling sitting on the stove.  A pizza size.  Now, it's just the two of us that live here, and he knows that this is my favorite kind of danish.  The crumbles get me.  So I seriously feel like he is blatantly trying to tempt me and go off of my fast.  It's so disrespectful and I cannot believe it is coming from him, actually.  He is a believer, I can't believe he is intentionally disrespecting something spiritual that I am trying to accomplish.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make me want the danish.  He can shove that danish straight up his ass.  It just upsets me that he is blatantly disrespecting my belief.  I don't even have the energy to confront him about it, which I know would be the healthy thing to do.
I know that I know that I know that God is for me.  He is for my girlfriend w/ breast cancer.  He is for us and absolutely in control.  I trust Him, I really do.  I believe, even when life sucks.  He is the answer.  But...man, do I get tired sometimes.  I just get tired.  Weary.
Isaiah 40:31  'but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.' 

So I come against faintness in the name of Jesus Christ.

I come against weariness and fatigue. 

I come against discouragement and all of the tools of the enemy.

In the authority of Jesus Christ I come against Satan and the sugary danish he is using to tempt me and say NO MORE.  You have no place here, be gone.  

I come against cancer in my sister's body and I pray healing according to His riches in heaven.

Healing for her in Jesus Name. 

Jesus.  Jesus.  *sigh*  Jesus.  

Well, what can I say? I got screwed.

The IRS denied my claim for innocent spouse relief.
It doesn't matter that it is his debt.
It doesn't matter that all money they have received has come from my returns and my wages.
It doesn't matter that it is mostly for his unpaid social security tax.
It just doesn't matter.
The gal actually said to me, 'I don't see him being responsible for anything.' so basically, they don't believe he will start now and pay his debt, so I have to.  Um, yeah.
It doesn't matter that I have been an upstanding citizen regarding my taxes since I was 15.
It doesn't matter that my life has gone upside down.  She actually asked me, "soooo, in 2009 you realized there was a big problem, and you are just now in 2012 divorced?"  Like, 'what took you so long, lady?'
She asked me, "So, in 2009 you realize there is a problem.  In April of 2010 when you filed your tax returns for 2009, knowing there was a debt, why did you file a joint tax return?"  I was silent. She asked, "do you understand?"  I said,"Yes, well... that is a bold thought.  It didn't occur to me not to...I mean, he was my husband.  I honestly didn't realize that I could do that."
She told me that being divorced now was in my favor.
She told me that my financial situation, according to my budget, where as it was tight, things like Pets and Tithing are nice, but not necessary expenditures- that money could be a payment to them.  So my financial situation was not in my favor.  She sees no hardship.
She said that the reasonable expectation of my ex actually paying was not in my favor.
That my compliance was in my favor, whatever that means.
That I wasn't physically abused, and my mental and physical state where fine, so there is no favor there.
Now all I can do it wait to see what the letter of determination says.  What they say I should owe and the payments.  Every dime they have taken from me so far is just 'interest on the first couple of years'  oye.

God has a plan of redemption for me.
He has a plan to prosper me and NOT to harm me.
He loves me.  His love is no less because this awful thing has happened.  He grieves with me at the pain, loss, and struggle.
I praise Him.
I praise Him because He is worthy of praise.
I praise Him because He has never left me, or forsaken me, and He will not now.
I praise Him because He is bigger than the IRS.
I praise Him.  I bought chocolate cake and strawberries in celebration of His love for me.
I cannot see how any of this is going to work out.  But, truthfully...the how is kinda none of my business. My business is to focus on Him, to Trust, and to allow the healing to begin.  Oh, the healing.  I long for it.  It will come, because the One who loves me is faithful and true.
Faithful and True.

Tomorrow could be the Day...

So tomorrow could be the day.
I have a phone call appointment with the appeals dept. of the IRS regarding my case for Relief.
Not sure how much I have talked about the IRS...ugh...the IRS, man.
In 2009 I started learning that my former husband had never paid his business taxes.
In 2010 they levied my wages and sent us into the worst year I have ever had- food boxes, unpaid bills, unable to pay rent, working and receiving no money...horrible.  Horrible.  Most horrible.
2011 living under owing them an insurmountable amount, and going thru the separation, divorce, and end of my dreams of marriage and children.  Turning 40.  Then in 2012 beginning to receive redemption and reclaiming of so much that has been broken.
2012 has brought light, returning wellness, grief in its proper place, and the finalization of what was.  How do I express my gratitude and deliverance?  I simply cannot.  For what had been severely taken advantage of and bankrupt is now being restored.
So tomorrow, after being told it would take "several months before even being addressed" I have an appointment that can change everything.  I believe with this shift He is doing regarding school that God will clean this all up before I have to go.  Before I walk into the season of preparation and growth for my future.  Clean slate so nothing can hinder.  No hint of what was to darken all that needs to take place.  Gone, gone...and restored, even.
Tomorrow could be the day, when the answers I give are sufficient.  When the favor is mine, finally, and Justice is finally served.
Tomorrow.  After years of wait.  Tomorrow.

A major shift

Wow, it's not good to let too much time go between posts.  It is entirely too hard to catch  you up on all that has happened.  Without going into too much painful detail I will say that Sumo is no longer in the original home I placed him in.  What a train wreck that was...poor guy, and poor me!  And, poor gal who had to give him up when didn't work out, sheeeeesh.  But he is safe and happy now.  Praise God.

So my plan for several months has been to move to Kona, Hawaii to University of the Nations with YWAM (Youth w/ a Mission)  I want a degree in Biblical counseling.  God has used me in this type of roll on different levels for years and revealed to me about two and a half or so years ago that I would go to school and be a counselor.  Interesting... so, prayerfully after my marriage ended I started taking steps toward doing it.
Now, lately, there has been a shift.  A rousing of my spirit that I cannot explain.  There is another class at UofN that I want to take.  It is a 9 month bible course.  40 hours a week bible study, from Genesis to Revelation.  I have always wanted to know the bible better.  It is one thing to know it, grow in the Word, and have the gift of it...but to truly be lead in a deep study of it so that when someone has a conversation I am not lost feeling like, 'I don't know what he means by that' doing the head nod as if I do understand or having to say, "I don't know what you mean by that..."  but actually keep up in biblical conversations.  I want that.  I want to understand all that God did and gave us in His word.  So, here is this course...oh...wow.  But it is not required for my degree, is longer, and lets face it...I don't have the money.  For any of it, but...now adding an additional course that is not required ...well.  So I cannot explain it.  But weeks after finding this course, God starts...rousing my spirit is all I can say.  Drawing me to it.  I called the school to ask some questions that I have had and the gal couldn't answer all of my questions.  So, she gives me the email of the course instructor for the class I am drawn to.  He responds with complete information and by encouraging me to take this class first because, 'no matter where you go or what course you take next you will have the foundation of understanding the bible.'  It will only enhance all my other courses.  Gulp.  You know when someone speaks truth to you and it just resonates so strongly in your core because it is truth..well, I knew that was true.  So...then I freak out a bit.  "God...what are you doing??? The plan is January.  The plan is Biblical counseling."  I totally had to stop and pray coming against fear because I don't want to miss what He has for me because of my flesh. Because I am not prepared.  My not being prepared will just further His glory because ONLY in Him will I gain the money to pay for it and actually get all the ducks in a row in time to go.  September!!  That is 3 months sooner than planned.  I thought I had 6 months to get insurance, write my support letters, work on my mom's house, yada yada yada.  Not to mention, what is the deal w/ the IRS?!!  I have not been granted relief with the case I have w/ them.  Can I even leave w/ out that being resolved?!!!!!
So I am crying out waiting for the Lord to be clear.  To say to me "September" or "January."  So I know what to apply for- which way to walk.  I go to church this morning and the guy stands up before offering and talks about the "voice that you will hear behind you directing you, saying 'this is the way, walk in it' whether it is to the right or the left, you will know."  Is.30:21  Yes, Lord!!!  Open my ears to hear you!!!  Tonight was family night at church and I sat w/ that guy and my friend, and pastor.  We started talking about that and they heard my schpeal.  Both of them felt that I should apply for September.  That if it is NOT God's will He will close the door...and that the 'good decisions are made by many counselors.'  :) I realized this morning in church, too...that even tho I am scared because of the lack of time it gives me...that I do want this Bible class first.  I do want it.  I wouldn't have ever veered from the course, but I know that God knows what I truly want...and He is guiding me to it.  Amazing.  I want to know His word.  I want to really understand it, in all its detailed crazy goodness.  One step at a time....after this course...I can deal w/ the Biblical Counseling degree... God willing!!!!
So... on to search for grants, etc.  Oh, Lord....Lord!  Make a way, I pray.  Provide abundantly, I pray, as you never fail to do.  Astound me, God...that I may grow in the wonder of you and into the destiny I have waited 40 years to walk into.  I pray this... In Christ Jesus Name.

So it's been four weeks since I placed Sumo in his new home.  Oh, the pain!  I was hurting from the grief of missing him, and had texted his new mommy a couple times asking how he was and then when I might see him.  She never responded.  I found myself getting angry and not wanting to see her at my book group the next Monday, but I knew if I didn't address it resentment would build and it would not be good- for her, me, or my relationship w/ Sumo!!  So I was honest and expressed my frustration.  She had agreed to an 'open adoption' with updates and pics and nothing has come.  So she received it well and sent me two pictures two days later.  I gasped at seeing my 58 pound dog  had dropped enough weight that his ribs and back bone show!  I worried until I got to pick him up for a visit on Saturday.  His new owner got sick and had to go to the hospital so I got to keep him overnight.  I was awesome because I was dreading taking him home, but also because my ex could come visit him that evening and I got to sleep w/ my precious boy.
He was a bit lethargic and I was concerned about his sleeping so long- not normal behavior.
I took him Sunday morning- ugh, the agony...and Monday night at my book group his new owner told me that when I brought him home he got sick.  Vomiting in the back yard and then laid by the door for 5 hours waiting for me to come back.  5 hours my boy laid waiting for me at the last spot he had seen and felt me- only for me to never return.  I know what abandonment feels like.  The thought of him waiting for me, kills me.  So, his stool is soft and yellow, he is skinny, and vomiting.  I cannot go to him, I cannot be the one to fix it or comfort  him while he aches.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder than any divorce I will tell you now.  He didn't ask for this, he didn't behave poorly and deserves his world to be upside down.
I want him back.  But then what?  In 10 months when I hope to leave for school...what then? I have to pray this illness is nothing that antibiotics can't fix.  I have to pray that he eventually will adjust.  I have to trust that he will be okay.  He will be okay.
If he is not okay- if it is serious- I do want him back.  If he is going to go down, I want to be there in the end.  I want to be the one.  I saved him as a baby, and I will see him out.
Please, Lord.  Let me be the one to see him out.  I ask it, ICJN....

Sumo and the Almond Blossoms

Saturday I had about 3 hours left w/ Sumo (my big dog).  All I wanted to do was hold him.  But I decided, very much for his sake, to take him for a walk.  We went to a special place and for the first time, I just let him off his leash to roam ahead of me in these fields and orchards.  He did so great.  What a good dog.  He never got too far ahead of me and when he did one word would stop him he'd turn, look at me, and go forward a bit slower.  A couple of times to test him I just turned around and started to walk the opposite way.  Without a word he would turn and I would hear the gallop of him coming up behind me, pass me, and turn to look at me as if to say...I'm here now!  So precious.  

I am not a flower girl.  I have never been really into flowers or any of that.  I like them, but, whatever.  I could not get past the almond blossoms that day.  They were gorgeous and I was so drawn to them.  My spirit was roused and I just could not get past them.  I even asked, "Lord, why am I so taken by these blossoms?"  

The next day I googled "almond blossoms symbolism" and the first thing to pop up was that "Almond blossoms are the eternal symbol of Hope."  

Thank you, Lord for your faithfulness to me.  For your love and intimate concern.  Thank you for placing my babies and having each and everyone of them in your hand.  I pray the fullness of Your will for me to come into full bloom.  

I'm thinking, my next tattoo may have to be an almond blossom.  ;)

I am My Beloved's and He is so totally Mine.

So with once again white walls, and all my animals gone...I move forward.
My last few nights in this house I called home.  God is so faithful.
Walking and crying on a break this last week, God told me how, the first time (I went to YWAM and was drastically changing my life) He made the way easy for me.  (My dog had died the year before, I didn't have to make any choices there- everything fell into place)  This time, I am older, and I have to make choices that are intentional in pursuit of Him.  I am more mature, things are not handed to us, as they are when we are children.  They are worked for.  Fought for.  Intentionally pursued with radical choices for radical changes.
My children are all placed, save one 14 year old declawed cat.  Just me and the mo mo buster.
God has told me twice before, that "everything that has been stolen/broken will be replaced/restored to me."  These promises have come over the last 10 years...and with so much death, the human tendency is to say, "really...when?  how?"  But just this morning, a pastor spoke to me again...saying how during worship as she looked out God spoke to her about me.  He said, "Tell her to get ready.  I am going to restore everything the locus' have taken.  All of it.  But she has to get ready."
My church is hard core.  Fire baptized believers who flow in all the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  I was not raised this way, but God has over the last 10 years of my life opened up doors and dimensions to me.  The spiritual realm is no joke.  I have learned much...but I am absolutely positive that the surface of all I will learn has yet to be scratched.  I am a warrior preparing for my lifes call to war.  Healings, deliverance's, breaking free and bringing others with me.  Coming against the bullshit of this world and all that the enemy throws at us to hold us down.  I look forward.  I have a "deliverance anointing."  That is what was spoken to me.  God Himself, while we were worshiping, spoke to me and said, "When I unleash these things on you, it's on..."  I have been allowing childish struggles and fleshly thoughts to have too much time in my head.  I have always been referred to as a 'little dynamite' or 'spunky' thing.  But that initial spark is going to turn into an all consuming fire that burns so hot and brightly that even my enemies will know I am blessed.
I'm so tired of struggle and playing around.  I am so tired of allowing things to sideswipe me.  I declare that I will become the equipt warrior I was created to be.  I cast off the generational curses that my parents have passed down to me in the name of Jesus Christ.  I will not walk under their yokes.
I am human.  But I am also chosen.  Enough is enough.  I am going into this 3rd chapter of my life walking upright.
I have wept, not cried, every single day for the last however many days.  I have been dealing with death and loss so completely that I have been a little crazy!  No...really... coo coo.  But I am truly grateful...that in spite of myself...God orders my steps.  That even when I step outside and blatantly try to walk in my own way...He protects me.  He sustains me in my insanity and will NOT ALLOW me to ruin myself.  I am pregnant with promise.  With destiny.  I understand fully, what it means to be a slave.  To my flesh, to addictions, to chaos and disorder.  But I am grateful, and confident, that God is ultimately the One in control.  I am my beloveds, and He is so totally Mine.

Bye Bye my Beloveds...

I am so exhausted but I know if I don't write some of this down, it will be lost.
I am in full blown transition. I have been, emotionally and spiritually for some time, but now I am physically transitioning and I don't know which is worse.
I have been  praying, praying, praying and finding homes to place my beloved children in.  My furry, four legged companions that hold so much of my heart, I can't imagine breathing without them, which is why I must sacrifice them to move forward.  I am grateful that they are almost all moving into great homes and families- but the pain of their departure is killing me.  I weep at the drop of a hat.  I am so sick and tired of crying.  I hate it.  It is past the point of trying to control it just happens and I am powerless to stop it.  So, I weep.  A lot.  Often.  Ugh, why wear make up.  I would think there is something seriously wrong with me except it is like death 5 times over... 5 simultaneous deaths.  On top of my IRS "business" and the actual death of my marriage, although believe it or not... this is more painful.  I consider that pure deliverance..sad as it may be.
I am literally in the last days now.  It is Tuesday and my little dog goes to his new home Thursday evening.  Two more nights to sleep with him curled up on my left side. Nose sticking out from under his burrowed spot.
My big dog transitions this weekend.  Four more nights to cover him up with his fleece blanket to my right because he shivers at night. And the tears.  again. *sigh*
I'm so tired.
So tired of death.  So tired of things not working out.  So tired of loss and disappointment.  Life is truly a bitch.  I want to karate kick her square in the ass and say enough already.
That is why I am doing this.  Saying goodbye to my most treasured possessions and relationships.  Because there is more.  There is more than Modesto, Ca and more than this shit rental with scary neighbors.  More than punching that damn clock everyday and watching my mouth.  I intend to find it.  With everything in me I am going to pursue Jesus Christ and life with Him as my Husband.  I am going to leave this town if it kills me- even if I may return (parents getting older and all) and embrace all that I know to be true.  I have one last shot to get this life thing right and I intend to give it my best shot.  Well, I have many more shots but it feels like this is it.
As I sit on my floor made cot, living out of an ice chest and feel the ache of a weariness from hard work- I think to myself- I could do this anywhere.  Hawaii, India, Italy, Korea, Brazil... anywhere.
And I just may. I juuuuust may.

peddling

So I had this dream... I was on a bicycle peddling as fast as I could in traffic.  I didn't want to slow the cars down but I had to merge into traffic.  I was on the on ramp to the freeway- and there was a guy on his bike just ahead of me also peddling hard.  "Put your hand on my back!" he yelled.  Being as one unit would make us bigger, safer in the chaos of the traffic, I could draft off him and together we would be stronger.  I was hesitant to touch him, because I didn't know him- and it was intimate to touch his lower back- but I knew that I was supposed to do it- for safety's sake- so I did.  Then I noticed that he had a Celtic cross tattoo on his inner left arm/wrist.  He was a believer! I was relieved.
My girlfriend interprets dreams for me, and I am always so grateful!!!  She said that the bicycle represents that I am working really hard...peddling, peddling...that I am moving forward and headed onto the freeway, which is One Way...moving fast in one direction.  This guy, was headed in the same direction-and even tho I was hesitant- I knew I was suppose to link up with him.  When I did, it was revealed that he was a believer- it was of God.  God showing me that I am not alone, that I will be safe, with other believers.
This is all so accurate.  I am working so hard lately...court stuff, packing up my house, making decisions about belongings, furniture, and pets.  Wanting to start my legal name changes.  Thinking about all the work to be done to the place I am moving into.  All of this is exciting... and sad.  I am eager to move forward, but all that I am wrapping up and leaving behind is difficult.
My divorce will be final in May and I am so grateful.
I had lunch w/ my pastor and she was getting hit by the Holy Spirit as we spoke.  I didn't even go into any detail about the suffering in my marriage or what all happened and she was telling me what happened.  Speaking Truth the way only one so tuned into the Lord can. She was telling me that she could tell, just by the characteristics I was describing that I had been dealing with a spirit of python.  That he seduces you, pulls you in and then takes everything you have.  Wraps around you and sucks the life out of you- and when you relax, when you breathe out for one moment he coils tighter and tighter around you taking your life.  This picture described my life and having the visual somehow brought relief...validation...gratitude that 'it' had a name.  Bastard.  She said that God had shown my husband exactly what he needed to do...and my husband had chosen to keep a door open [to demons, bondage, behaviors].  I know this is true and can tell you exactly when it happened.  She said, "You did not get out of this marriage- God saved you.  He delivered you from this marriage and saved your life- you need to know that."  I do know that.  I have felt bondage breaking off of me for months.  Healing.  Life.  Breathing.
So I was asking God to open His word to me this week, as I often do, and I decided to read Psa. 17- just because it was the 17th...so why not.  I did, and after, I noticed that I had written a bracket around Psa 18...with the name of a woman who prophesied over me in June of 2010.  She said 'it had been a hellacious season for me- but that justice would be served.  She said that she thought of Psa. 18 where God says, "You want to know how much I love you???  THIS is how much I love you..." with the smoke coming from His nostrils in anger.'  Psa. 18 also says, "vs 4 The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.  The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.  In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to God for help.  From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears."  It goes on to say how God Himself rides down in anger with smoke rising from His nostrils as He " reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from my enemy, my foes who were too strong for me..."  Yes.  Yes.  Yes!!!
How grateful I am to have been delivered.  How grateful I am to breath and be free from the demons in my home.  Out from under the spiritual wet blanked that suffocated me... to life.  To light.  To Freedom.
How grateful I am.
In life, especially in a Christian culture when you get a divorce...people tend to ask, "what happened?"
I am so grateful, that I don't have to defend myself. How would I ever explain?

Temptation

Tired...in the best way.  On vacation helping my mom work on her house... the old bod ain't what it used to be!  But it feels good to bless her, learn some things and not be punching the work clock.
I have court on Friday and Godwilling my divorce will become final.  *siiiigh*  I have so much peace and am so grateful.  I had lunch w/ my pastor this week and the Holy Spirit was downloading to her while we were talking. Downloading about my soon to be ex and Truth about the demons I was battling.  I knew they were present, and I knew I was living with them...but daaaaaaang.  She was explaining the whole spirit of python thing to me...how he will seduce you, then crush you slowly.  Everytime you breathe out he will squeeeeeze tighter until you can't breathe.  Killing you slowly.  Well I KNOW that is true.  When your finances, sanity, and physical health are all collapsed it it time to get out! Anyhoo... that is not where I was headed.  I just have such a peace about being w/ my Jesus and allowing Him to teach me about true love,  healthy love.  But the addictions of my past come calling- and I confess, I am tempted.  Not that I am concerned about every truly acting out- not really.  Not now. (and don't get me wrong, because I am no fool...'careful when you think you are stable lest you fall.')  But the thought life is a tough gig.  It is where the discipline of my spirit must grow stronger than the instinct of my flesh.
I ran into an old friend this last weekend.  A dear, dear, old friend that I have known since I was like 15. He is such a stand up guy.  Solid, considerate, discipline.  I admire who he has become and how steadfast he has always been.  He has really grown up since we were even in our 20's.  Who hasn't, right?  But no, seriously.  Intentional maturing.  It's a beautiful thing.  I have no desire to step into anything with anyone...but my family all love this guy and my brothers are making comments.  It's like, if I was going to step into something...I am convinced that he would be the only safe, true person I could step into it with.  But I am not, of course.  I am in a covenant with Jesus...and I am in for good.
The thing is, the thoughts come...to find comfort in him.  To seek him out and just let things be easy for awhile.   Not that he would so easily step into something with me!  This is when I realize that the thought life of the me before had an addiction to men.  To finding my 'fix' in them and in what they could offer or what I could get from the relationship with them.  Now I am just concerned with how deeply I can get to know Jesus and how completely I can learn to love Him.  My prayer lately is that He would teach me how to love him with my WHOLE heart.  I don't think I have done that before.  I want Him to take me so completely that there is nothing left.  Nothing left but piles of goo.  Nothing left for anyone else.  Nothing but you, Jesus.  Nothing but the touch of your heart to mine.  Nothing but the consuming passion that loving you offers.  No quick fix, no temporary comfort in the flesh, no secondary satisfaction.
Only You.  Only You.  You.   You.
Discipline my thoughts, Jesus.  Help me to discipline my thoughts.  xoxo