Bye Bye my Beloveds...

I am so exhausted but I know if I don't write some of this down, it will be lost.
I am in full blown transition. I have been, emotionally and spiritually for some time, but now I am physically transitioning and I don't know which is worse.
I have been  praying, praying, praying and finding homes to place my beloved children in.  My furry, four legged companions that hold so much of my heart, I can't imagine breathing without them, which is why I must sacrifice them to move forward.  I am grateful that they are almost all moving into great homes and families- but the pain of their departure is killing me.  I weep at the drop of a hat.  I am so sick and tired of crying.  I hate it.  It is past the point of trying to control it just happens and I am powerless to stop it.  So, I weep.  A lot.  Often.  Ugh, why wear make up.  I would think there is something seriously wrong with me except it is like death 5 times over... 5 simultaneous deaths.  On top of my IRS "business" and the actual death of my marriage, although believe it or not... this is more painful.  I consider that pure deliverance..sad as it may be.
I am literally in the last days now.  It is Tuesday and my little dog goes to his new home Thursday evening.  Two more nights to sleep with him curled up on my left side. Nose sticking out from under his burrowed spot.
My big dog transitions this weekend.  Four more nights to cover him up with his fleece blanket to my right because he shivers at night. And the tears.  again. *sigh*
I'm so tired.
So tired of death.  So tired of things not working out.  So tired of loss and disappointment.  Life is truly a bitch.  I want to karate kick her square in the ass and say enough already.
That is why I am doing this.  Saying goodbye to my most treasured possessions and relationships.  Because there is more.  There is more than Modesto, Ca and more than this shit rental with scary neighbors.  More than punching that damn clock everyday and watching my mouth.  I intend to find it.  With everything in me I am going to pursue Jesus Christ and life with Him as my Husband.  I am going to leave this town if it kills me- even if I may return (parents getting older and all) and embrace all that I know to be true.  I have one last shot to get this life thing right and I intend to give it my best shot.  Well, I have many more shots but it feels like this is it.
As I sit on my floor made cot, living out of an ice chest and feel the ache of a weariness from hard work- I think to myself- I could do this anywhere.  Hawaii, India, Italy, Korea, Brazil... anywhere.
And I just may. I juuuuust may.