Tired...in the best way. On vacation helping my mom work on her house... the old bod ain't what it used to be! But it feels good to bless her, learn some things and not be punching the work clock.
I have court on Friday and Godwilling my divorce will become final. *siiiigh* I have so much peace and am so grateful. I had lunch w/ my pastor this week and the Holy Spirit was downloading to her while we were talking. Downloading about my soon to be ex and Truth about the demons I was battling. I knew they were present, and I knew I was living with them...but daaaaaaang. She was explaining the whole spirit of python thing to me...how he will seduce you, then crush you slowly. Everytime you breathe out he will squeeeeeze tighter until you can't breathe. Killing you slowly. Well I KNOW that is true. When your finances, sanity, and physical health are all collapsed it it time to get out! Anyhoo... that is not where I was headed. I just have such a peace about being w/ my Jesus and allowing Him to teach me about true love, healthy love. But the addictions of my past come calling- and I confess, I am tempted. Not that I am concerned about every truly acting out- not really. Not now. (and don't get me wrong, because I am no fool...'careful when you think you are stable lest you fall.') But the thought life is a tough gig. It is where the discipline of my spirit must grow stronger than the instinct of my flesh.
I ran into an old friend this last weekend. A dear, dear, old friend that I have known since I was like 15. He is such a stand up guy. Solid, considerate, discipline. I admire who he has become and how steadfast he has always been. He has really grown up since we were even in our 20's. Who hasn't, right? But no, seriously. Intentional maturing. It's a beautiful thing. I have no desire to step into anything with anyone...but my family all love this guy and my brothers are making comments. It's like, if I was going to step into something...I am convinced that he would be the only safe, true person I could step into it with. But I am not, of course. I am in a covenant with Jesus...and I am in for good.
The thing is, the thoughts come...to find comfort in him. To seek him out and just let things be easy for awhile. Not that he would so easily step into something with me! This is when I realize that the thought life of the me before had an addiction to men. To finding my 'fix' in them and in what they could offer or what I could get from the relationship with them. Now I am just concerned with how deeply I can get to know Jesus and how completely I can learn to love Him. My prayer lately is that He would teach me how to love him with my WHOLE heart. I don't think I have done that before. I want Him to take me so completely that there is nothing left. Nothing left but piles of goo. Nothing left for anyone else. Nothing but you, Jesus. Nothing but the touch of your heart to mine. Nothing but the consuming passion that loving you offers. No quick fix, no temporary comfort in the flesh, no secondary satisfaction.
Only You. Only You. You. You.
Discipline my thoughts, Jesus. Help me to discipline my thoughts. xoxo
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