tough gig

What a tough gig.  I am getting ready to leave.  Quit my job and go to University of theNations in Kona, HI.  I am super excited that God would allow me to do something so amazing.  However... dagnabbit the warfare is tough.  I absolutely have an enemy who would like to keep me from going and the arrows he slings are sharp.  Bastard.
I believe, tho.  I have faith that my steps are being ordered and no matter how jacked up things may get or how twisted the jerko may try that God will get me there.  God alone, because I would screw things up pretty quickly truth be told.
I'm tired.  I have just a few weeks left at work and the transition is going to be strange.  Good, but strange.  Saying goodbye to these women who have become my dearest friends.  What a loyal group they have been.  So supportive, so loving.  So generous, so sincere.  Ugh.

My Friends love me... (sappy smile)

I am so blessed.  Today I had a bbq.  What a great day.  Friends I haven't seen in so many years~ came. How fun.  Reconnecting.  I was concerned about the grill because my brother Doug always mans the grill for me, but he was playing at the Gallo tonight, so he wouldn't be here.  Right out the gate after arriving my friend Ricky says, "Do you need help w/ the grill?"  What a blessing.  He handled it all like a pro, so good.  Such a gift.  My Dear Friend Cindy drove all the way from Fresno on her way to Lodi and was intentional about stopping by and staying for a while.  My words upon seeing her and my true feelings were, "I could not be more pleased."  It was so, so cool.  Reconnected with Jesse and Maria, which was a friendship I had grieved and thought lost.  Yay for new seasons!  My sweet Tera came and I love that we are such good friends I can say anything to her.  Julie, Beckie, Jeannette, Bill, Kimmy, Amy, Ricky, Dirk, Bubbs...Bubbs!...Josh, Jenn, Korby, Carol and baby Mia... so so precious.  What a great day, I am so blessed.  My friends... love me.  And I love them.

What was, is not what is.

I have done a lot of grieving in my 40 years.  I know every life has grief and things we need to work thru...I guess I should be grateful it has not been worse.
Right now I am grieving the earthly love of my life.  JESUS is the true love of my life, but right now I am grieving and once again saying good-bye to the one man who has held my heart for close to 20 years.
I have kept  him tucked away- in his little compartment in my heart.  The sick part of me has liked him there and lived with the knowledge that no matter what...there he would be.  Sick. I have given him back to God before...powerfully so, relinquishing him back into the arms of the One who created him and loves him more than I ever could.  I felt good, free.  But somehow I always take him back.  I always pick him up again and lug him around with the regret I have always felt for leaving him, like an idiot.  We were 23 and 24 when we married.  We both came from broken and dysfunctional homes.  We didn't know what our issues were let alone what to call them or how to deal with them.  He had an addictive personality and I was an enabling codependent with serious abandonment, anxiety, and control issues. After trying literally everything I knew to do, I fled.  So much regret.  I seriously walked out of the perfect extended family.  The most Godly people I have ever known... I should have stayed for THEM! He was perfect for me...before I knew what was perfect for me...but God knew.  Tall, broad, with that smile and a little lisp.  Handsome.  so handsome.  He could  pick me up like it was nothing and place me.  Shift me.  Adjust me.  I felt safe in his big arms.  But that was then.  And this is now.
17 years after saying I do, I still...do.  But, I haven't in 11 years.  He remarried, then I did.  He has three kids.  Two step, one bio...all the same in his heart.  As it should be. I married a selfish soul sucker and proceeded to allow the life to be sucked out of me for several years, being robbed of my health, sanity, and ultimately my finances.  Praise You God for your deliverance.  
The point of all this pathetic reminiscing is just that once again...I need to lay him down, only I need to do it fully.  No more little compartment.  No more hindering.  It's amazing to me how God allows things to come up right before He has us walk into something huge.  My life is changing, on every level, and He wants it all cleaned up.  Aaaaaall taken care of so He can build me up into who He wants me to be and aaaaall He truly has for me.  (reminds me of the story of the little girl w/ the pearls)
I need to come out from under the generational curse that holds on to the love of your youth beyond what is healthy.
I need to not be double minded.
I need to allow him to go, and be the husband and daddy he is called to be.
I need to not regret the choice I made all those years ago, because things have come that I would have never known...things have worked together for the good and I need to embrace those things.  Ugh!
I need to walk into this next season not just kinda delivered of the demons of my broken past... but truly delievered.
I need to allow my beloved Jesus, to be my only lover and true husband of my heart and life.  My Adonai.  He can move me.  He can shift me, adjust me, place me where He wants me to be.

ACCEPTED

Happy Independence day!!  What a sweet day, cousin Jenn and her hubby Josh came to bbq.  Bill stopped by in the morning and in the afternoon and Craig was here so it made for a real nice day (my bro's).  Jenn and Josh brought the dogs, so it is ALWAYS wonderful to see Sumo and his new sister Lily.  What sweet babies they are and it does my heart so good to snuggle with each of them.  Ah, dogs, the true good in this world.

So!!  I got it... I am accepted to YWAM and University of the Nations in Hawaii starting September 27th.  I am beyond excited for this next season in my life.  Starting round 2 w/ the IRS regarding relief from the Ex's fiasco and trusting that Justice will indeed be served as I walk by faith...forward.
I need to - get new health insurance, find out about the insurance on my car just sitting for 9 months, set up an account-hopefully thru my church- for a tax deductible way to have support, get a USB drive, pay my $1000. in advance for deposit, book airfare, yada yada yada... got the passport, told the bosses, preparing for my departure.

I know that everything is about to change.  I have wanted true change and growth for so long.  Years.  I am so humbled and grateful that God is allowing me, blessing me with a way to go and grow!  Thank you, God.  Thank you, thank you....

What an evening.  I was driving home remembering some dear friends of mine.  Lifelong friends.  I haven't stopped by in quite some time so right at the four way stop that leads to their house I just strongly felt that I should turn left and go see them.  Yes, it meant dinner would be later.  Yes, it meant I wouldn't get to the yard work I wanted to do.  Yes, yes...but I turned left.  As soon as my friend let me in the door, I could see she was not alright.  This woman is literally like a mother to me, and her eyes were red, she was downcast.  "Are you alright?" I asked,"Yeah, well..no, _____ has breast cancer."  Sinking feeling.  _____ is 6 months younger than me with 3 small children.  I have known her since I was 18 months old.  They are doing lumpectomies and giving her the choice of taking one breast or two and when, yada yada, chemo, radiation....  Ugh.  I couldn't cry.  Her mother was weeping and explaining everything and I was just shocked. I just sat there.  I felt guilty for not joining in her tears, but I just sat there... _____.  _____.
I know well enough that when you are truly in a pit all of the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and the "all of this will work together for her good" schpeal is just ridiculous to bring up.  Pain is pain and we are all allowed to feel it.
I got home and my 'replacement phone' had arrived because the phone I have had for 8 months  has these glitches that they can't seem to fix by wiping my phone clean.  Grrr.  So now I have 7 days to switch everything over and see if this 'new' phone works any better.  Great.  My ringer, that I have NO idea how my ex husband got to work... is as good as gone.  I hate choosing a blasted ringer.
I also came home to an envelope from the IRS.  Not the one I THOUGHT I would be getting, so I praise God...this battle is still in progress and lets face it, timing is everything.  But I am tired of this battle.  I feel weary.  Sad.
My brother and I live together.  I love him and he is a great brother.  He has his quirks, as do I, and for the most part we try to just live around them.  His love language is gifts and he is ever bringing home junk food and dancing around in front of me with it like, "lookie, what I brought  you!"  Right now, I am fasting sweets and desserts as a sacrifice and reminder to pray for a major event my church is having next month.  He doesn't fast and hasn't come to a place where he understands it yet.  He rolls his eyes and says, "Jesus said to eat what you want."  and I said,"Jesus himself fasted, and He is my example."  Hellooooo.  Well, that's fine we can agree to disagree and I am fine when he eats sweets, actually totally fine.  But he keeps saying things to me like, "mmmmm. brownies."  or,"hey, should I make these sugar cookies?"  I am like, "yeah, go ahead."  to which he answers, "you suck."  because he wants to share them with me.  Sorry... not.  So this evening, after my girlfriends news, etc, I come home and no joke...there is a pizza sized danish with crumbles and apple filling sitting on the stove.  A pizza size.  Now, it's just the two of us that live here, and he knows that this is my favorite kind of danish.  The crumbles get me.  So I seriously feel like he is blatantly trying to tempt me and go off of my fast.  It's so disrespectful and I cannot believe it is coming from him, actually.  He is a believer, I can't believe he is intentionally disrespecting something spiritual that I am trying to accomplish.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make me want the danish.  He can shove that danish straight up his ass.  It just upsets me that he is blatantly disrespecting my belief.  I don't even have the energy to confront him about it, which I know would be the healthy thing to do.
I know that I know that I know that God is for me.  He is for my girlfriend w/ breast cancer.  He is for us and absolutely in control.  I trust Him, I really do.  I believe, even when life sucks.  He is the answer.  But...man, do I get tired sometimes.  I just get tired.  Weary.
Isaiah 40:31  'but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.' 

So I come against faintness in the name of Jesus Christ.

I come against weariness and fatigue. 

I come against discouragement and all of the tools of the enemy.

In the authority of Jesus Christ I come against Satan and the sugary danish he is using to tempt me and say NO MORE.  You have no place here, be gone.  

I come against cancer in my sister's body and I pray healing according to His riches in heaven.

Healing for her in Jesus Name. 

Jesus.  Jesus.  *sigh*  Jesus.  

Well, what can I say? I got screwed.

The IRS denied my claim for innocent spouse relief.
It doesn't matter that it is his debt.
It doesn't matter that all money they have received has come from my returns and my wages.
It doesn't matter that it is mostly for his unpaid social security tax.
It just doesn't matter.
The gal actually said to me, 'I don't see him being responsible for anything.' so basically, they don't believe he will start now and pay his debt, so I have to.  Um, yeah.
It doesn't matter that I have been an upstanding citizen regarding my taxes since I was 15.
It doesn't matter that my life has gone upside down.  She actually asked me, "soooo, in 2009 you realized there was a big problem, and you are just now in 2012 divorced?"  Like, 'what took you so long, lady?'
She asked me, "So, in 2009 you realize there is a problem.  In April of 2010 when you filed your tax returns for 2009, knowing there was a debt, why did you file a joint tax return?"  I was silent. She asked, "do you understand?"  I said,"Yes, well... that is a bold thought.  It didn't occur to me not to...I mean, he was my husband.  I honestly didn't realize that I could do that."
She told me that being divorced now was in my favor.
She told me that my financial situation, according to my budget, where as it was tight, things like Pets and Tithing are nice, but not necessary expenditures- that money could be a payment to them.  So my financial situation was not in my favor.  She sees no hardship.
She said that the reasonable expectation of my ex actually paying was not in my favor.
That my compliance was in my favor, whatever that means.
That I wasn't physically abused, and my mental and physical state where fine, so there is no favor there.
Now all I can do it wait to see what the letter of determination says.  What they say I should owe and the payments.  Every dime they have taken from me so far is just 'interest on the first couple of years'  oye.

God has a plan of redemption for me.
He has a plan to prosper me and NOT to harm me.
He loves me.  His love is no less because this awful thing has happened.  He grieves with me at the pain, loss, and struggle.
I praise Him.
I praise Him because He is worthy of praise.
I praise Him because He has never left me, or forsaken me, and He will not now.
I praise Him because He is bigger than the IRS.
I praise Him.  I bought chocolate cake and strawberries in celebration of His love for me.
I cannot see how any of this is going to work out.  But, truthfully...the how is kinda none of my business. My business is to focus on Him, to Trust, and to allow the healing to begin.  Oh, the healing.  I long for it.  It will come, because the One who loves me is faithful and true.
Faithful and True.

Tomorrow could be the Day...

So tomorrow could be the day.
I have a phone call appointment with the appeals dept. of the IRS regarding my case for Relief.
Not sure how much I have talked about the IRS...ugh...the IRS, man.
In 2009 I started learning that my former husband had never paid his business taxes.
In 2010 they levied my wages and sent us into the worst year I have ever had- food boxes, unpaid bills, unable to pay rent, working and receiving no money...horrible.  Horrible.  Most horrible.
2011 living under owing them an insurmountable amount, and going thru the separation, divorce, and end of my dreams of marriage and children.  Turning 40.  Then in 2012 beginning to receive redemption and reclaiming of so much that has been broken.
2012 has brought light, returning wellness, grief in its proper place, and the finalization of what was.  How do I express my gratitude and deliverance?  I simply cannot.  For what had been severely taken advantage of and bankrupt is now being restored.
So tomorrow, after being told it would take "several months before even being addressed" I have an appointment that can change everything.  I believe with this shift He is doing regarding school that God will clean this all up before I have to go.  Before I walk into the season of preparation and growth for my future.  Clean slate so nothing can hinder.  No hint of what was to darken all that needs to take place.  Gone, gone...and restored, even.
Tomorrow could be the day, when the answers I give are sufficient.  When the favor is mine, finally, and Justice is finally served.
Tomorrow.  After years of wait.  Tomorrow.