Saturday, July 21, 2012
My Friends love me... (sappy smile)
I am so blessed. Today I had a bbq. What a great day. Friends I haven't seen in so many years~ came. How fun. Reconnecting. I was concerned about the grill because my brother Doug always mans the grill for me, but he was playing at the Gallo tonight, so he wouldn't be here. Right out the gate after arriving my friend Ricky says, "Do you need help w/ the grill?" What a blessing. He handled it all like a pro, so good. Such a gift. My Dear Friend Cindy drove all the way from Fresno on her way to Lodi and was intentional about stopping by and staying for a while. My words upon seeing her and my true feelings were, "I could not be more pleased." It was so, so cool. Reconnected with Jesse and Maria, which was a friendship I had grieved and thought lost. Yay for new seasons! My sweet Tera came and I love that we are such good friends I can say anything to her. Julie, Beckie, Jeannette, Bill, Kimmy, Amy, Ricky, Dirk, Bubbs...Bubbs!...Josh, Jenn, Korby, Carol and baby Mia... so so precious. What a great day, I am so blessed. My friends... love me. And I love them.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
What was, is not what is.
I have done a lot of grieving in my 40 years. I know every life has grief and things we need to work thru...I guess I should be grateful it has not been worse.
Right now I am grieving the earthly love of my life. JESUS is the true love of my life, but right now I am grieving and once again saying good-bye to the one man who has held my heart for close to 20 years.
I have kept him tucked away- in his little compartment in my heart. The sick part of me has liked him there and lived with the knowledge that no matter what...there he would be. Sick. I have given him back to God before...powerfully so, relinquishing him back into the arms of the One who created him and loves him more than I ever could. I felt good, free. But somehow I always take him back. I always pick him up again and lug him around with the regret I have always felt for leaving him, like an idiot. We were 23 and 24 when we married. We both came from broken and dysfunctional homes. We didn't know what our issues were let alone what to call them or how to deal with them. He had an addictive personality and I was an enabling codependent with serious abandonment, anxiety, and control issues. After trying literally everything I knew to do, I fled. So much regret. I seriously walked out of the perfect extended family. The most Godly people I have ever known... I should have stayed for THEM! He was perfect for me...before I knew what was perfect for me...but God knew. Tall, broad, with that smile and a little lisp. Handsome. so handsome. He could pick me up like it was nothing and place me. Shift me. Adjust me. I felt safe in his big arms. But that was then. And this is now.
17 years after saying I do, I still...do. But, I haven't in 11 years. He remarried, then I did. He has three kids. Two step, one bio...all the same in his heart. As it should be. I married a selfish soul sucker and proceeded to allow the life to be sucked out of me for several years, being robbed of my health, sanity, and ultimately my finances. Praise You God for your deliverance.
The point of all this pathetic reminiscing is just that once again...I need to lay him down, only I need to do it fully. No more little compartment. No more hindering. It's amazing to me how God allows things to come up right before He has us walk into something huge. My life is changing, on every level, and He wants it all cleaned up. Aaaaaall taken care of so He can build me up into who He wants me to be and aaaaall He truly has for me. (reminds me of the story of the little girl w/ the pearls)
I need to come out from under the generational curse that holds on to the love of your youth beyond what is healthy.
I need to not be double minded.
I need to allow him to go, and be the husband and daddy he is called to be.
I need to not regret the choice I made all those years ago, because things have come that I would have never known...things have worked together for the good and I need to embrace those things. Ugh!
I need to walk into this next season not just kinda delivered of the demons of my broken past... but truly delievered.
I need to allow my beloved Jesus, to be my only lover and true husband of my heart and life. My Adonai. He can move me. He can shift me, adjust me, place me where He wants me to be.
Right now I am grieving the earthly love of my life. JESUS is the true love of my life, but right now I am grieving and once again saying good-bye to the one man who has held my heart for close to 20 years.
I have kept him tucked away- in his little compartment in my heart. The sick part of me has liked him there and lived with the knowledge that no matter what...there he would be. Sick. I have given him back to God before...powerfully so, relinquishing him back into the arms of the One who created him and loves him more than I ever could. I felt good, free. But somehow I always take him back. I always pick him up again and lug him around with the regret I have always felt for leaving him, like an idiot. We were 23 and 24 when we married. We both came from broken and dysfunctional homes. We didn't know what our issues were let alone what to call them or how to deal with them. He had an addictive personality and I was an enabling codependent with serious abandonment, anxiety, and control issues. After trying literally everything I knew to do, I fled. So much regret. I seriously walked out of the perfect extended family. The most Godly people I have ever known... I should have stayed for THEM! He was perfect for me...before I knew what was perfect for me...but God knew. Tall, broad, with that smile and a little lisp. Handsome. so handsome. He could pick me up like it was nothing and place me. Shift me. Adjust me. I felt safe in his big arms. But that was then. And this is now.
17 years after saying I do, I still...do. But, I haven't in 11 years. He remarried, then I did. He has three kids. Two step, one bio...all the same in his heart. As it should be. I married a selfish soul sucker and proceeded to allow the life to be sucked out of me for several years, being robbed of my health, sanity, and ultimately my finances. Praise You God for your deliverance.
The point of all this pathetic reminiscing is just that once again...I need to lay him down, only I need to do it fully. No more little compartment. No more hindering. It's amazing to me how God allows things to come up right before He has us walk into something huge. My life is changing, on every level, and He wants it all cleaned up. Aaaaaall taken care of so He can build me up into who He wants me to be and aaaaall He truly has for me. (reminds me of the story of the little girl w/ the pearls)
I need to come out from under the generational curse that holds on to the love of your youth beyond what is healthy.
I need to not be double minded.
I need to allow him to go, and be the husband and daddy he is called to be.
I need to not regret the choice I made all those years ago, because things have come that I would have never known...things have worked together for the good and I need to embrace those things. Ugh!
I need to walk into this next season not just kinda delivered of the demons of my broken past... but truly delievered.
I need to allow my beloved Jesus, to be my only lover and true husband of my heart and life. My Adonai. He can move me. He can shift me, adjust me, place me where He wants me to be.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
ACCEPTED
Happy Independence day!! What a sweet day, cousin Jenn and her hubby Josh came to bbq. Bill stopped by in the morning and in the afternoon and Craig was here so it made for a real nice day (my bro's). Jenn and Josh brought the dogs, so it is ALWAYS wonderful to see Sumo and his new sister Lily. What sweet babies they are and it does my heart so good to snuggle with each of them. Ah, dogs, the true good in this world.
So!! I got it... I am accepted to YWAM and University of the Nations in Hawaii starting September 27th. I am beyond excited for this next season in my life. Starting round 2 w/ the IRS regarding relief from the Ex's fiasco and trusting that Justice will indeed be served as I walk by faith...forward.
I need to - get new health insurance, find out about the insurance on my car just sitting for 9 months, set up an account-hopefully thru my church- for a tax deductible way to have support, get a USB drive, pay my $1000. in advance for deposit, book airfare, yada yada yada... got the passport, told the bosses, preparing for my departure.
I know that everything is about to change. I have wanted true change and growth for so long. Years. I am so humbled and grateful that God is allowing me, blessing me with a way to go and grow! Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you....
So!! I got it... I am accepted to YWAM and University of the Nations in Hawaii starting September 27th. I am beyond excited for this next season in my life. Starting round 2 w/ the IRS regarding relief from the Ex's fiasco and trusting that Justice will indeed be served as I walk by faith...forward.
I need to - get new health insurance, find out about the insurance on my car just sitting for 9 months, set up an account-hopefully thru my church- for a tax deductible way to have support, get a USB drive, pay my $1000. in advance for deposit, book airfare, yada yada yada... got the passport, told the bosses, preparing for my departure.
I know that everything is about to change. I have wanted true change and growth for so long. Years. I am so humbled and grateful that God is allowing me, blessing me with a way to go and grow! Thank you, God. Thank you, thank you....
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