peddling

So I had this dream... I was on a bicycle peddling as fast as I could in traffic.  I didn't want to slow the cars down but I had to merge into traffic.  I was on the on ramp to the freeway- and there was a guy on his bike just ahead of me also peddling hard.  "Put your hand on my back!" he yelled.  Being as one unit would make us bigger, safer in the chaos of the traffic, I could draft off him and together we would be stronger.  I was hesitant to touch him, because I didn't know him- and it was intimate to touch his lower back- but I knew that I was supposed to do it- for safety's sake- so I did.  Then I noticed that he had a Celtic cross tattoo on his inner left arm/wrist.  He was a believer! I was relieved.
My girlfriend interprets dreams for me, and I am always so grateful!!!  She said that the bicycle represents that I am working really hard...peddling, peddling...that I am moving forward and headed onto the freeway, which is One Way...moving fast in one direction.  This guy, was headed in the same direction-and even tho I was hesitant- I knew I was suppose to link up with him.  When I did, it was revealed that he was a believer- it was of God.  God showing me that I am not alone, that I will be safe, with other believers.
This is all so accurate.  I am working so hard lately...court stuff, packing up my house, making decisions about belongings, furniture, and pets.  Wanting to start my legal name changes.  Thinking about all the work to be done to the place I am moving into.  All of this is exciting... and sad.  I am eager to move forward, but all that I am wrapping up and leaving behind is difficult.
My divorce will be final in May and I am so grateful.
I had lunch w/ my pastor and she was getting hit by the Holy Spirit as we spoke.  I didn't even go into any detail about the suffering in my marriage or what all happened and she was telling me what happened.  Speaking Truth the way only one so tuned into the Lord can. She was telling me that she could tell, just by the characteristics I was describing that I had been dealing with a spirit of python.  That he seduces you, pulls you in and then takes everything you have.  Wraps around you and sucks the life out of you- and when you relax, when you breathe out for one moment he coils tighter and tighter around you taking your life.  This picture described my life and having the visual somehow brought relief...validation...gratitude that 'it' had a name.  Bastard.  She said that God had shown my husband exactly what he needed to do...and my husband had chosen to keep a door open [to demons, bondage, behaviors].  I know this is true and can tell you exactly when it happened.  She said, "You did not get out of this marriage- God saved you.  He delivered you from this marriage and saved your life- you need to know that."  I do know that.  I have felt bondage breaking off of me for months.  Healing.  Life.  Breathing.
So I was asking God to open His word to me this week, as I often do, and I decided to read Psa. 17- just because it was the 17th...so why not.  I did, and after, I noticed that I had written a bracket around Psa 18...with the name of a woman who prophesied over me in June of 2010.  She said 'it had been a hellacious season for me- but that justice would be served.  She said that she thought of Psa. 18 where God says, "You want to know how much I love you???  THIS is how much I love you..." with the smoke coming from His nostrils in anger.'  Psa. 18 also says, "vs 4 The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.  The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.  In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to God for help.  From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears."  It goes on to say how God Himself rides down in anger with smoke rising from His nostrils as He " reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from my enemy, my foes who were too strong for me..."  Yes.  Yes.  Yes!!!
How grateful I am to have been delivered.  How grateful I am to breath and be free from the demons in my home.  Out from under the spiritual wet blanked that suffocated me... to life.  To light.  To Freedom.
How grateful I am.
In life, especially in a Christian culture when you get a divorce...people tend to ask, "what happened?"
I am so grateful, that I don't have to defend myself. How would I ever explain?

Temptation

Tired...in the best way.  On vacation helping my mom work on her house... the old bod ain't what it used to be!  But it feels good to bless her, learn some things and not be punching the work clock.
I have court on Friday and Godwilling my divorce will become final.  *siiiigh*  I have so much peace and am so grateful.  I had lunch w/ my pastor this week and the Holy Spirit was downloading to her while we were talking. Downloading about my soon to be ex and Truth about the demons I was battling.  I knew they were present, and I knew I was living with them...but daaaaaaang.  She was explaining the whole spirit of python thing to me...how he will seduce you, then crush you slowly.  Everytime you breathe out he will squeeeeeze tighter until you can't breathe.  Killing you slowly.  Well I KNOW that is true.  When your finances, sanity, and physical health are all collapsed it it time to get out! Anyhoo... that is not where I was headed.  I just have such a peace about being w/ my Jesus and allowing Him to teach me about true love,  healthy love.  But the addictions of my past come calling- and I confess, I am tempted.  Not that I am concerned about every truly acting out- not really.  Not now. (and don't get me wrong, because I am no fool...'careful when you think you are stable lest you fall.')  But the thought life is a tough gig.  It is where the discipline of my spirit must grow stronger than the instinct of my flesh.
I ran into an old friend this last weekend.  A dear, dear, old friend that I have known since I was like 15. He is such a stand up guy.  Solid, considerate, discipline.  I admire who he has become and how steadfast he has always been.  He has really grown up since we were even in our 20's.  Who hasn't, right?  But no, seriously.  Intentional maturing.  It's a beautiful thing.  I have no desire to step into anything with anyone...but my family all love this guy and my brothers are making comments.  It's like, if I was going to step into something...I am convinced that he would be the only safe, true person I could step into it with.  But I am not, of course.  I am in a covenant with Jesus...and I am in for good.
The thing is, the thoughts come...to find comfort in him.  To seek him out and just let things be easy for awhile.   Not that he would so easily step into something with me!  This is when I realize that the thought life of the me before had an addiction to men.  To finding my 'fix' in them and in what they could offer or what I could get from the relationship with them.  Now I am just concerned with how deeply I can get to know Jesus and how completely I can learn to love Him.  My prayer lately is that He would teach me how to love him with my WHOLE heart.  I don't think I have done that before.  I want Him to take me so completely that there is nothing left.  Nothing left but piles of goo.  Nothing left for anyone else.  Nothing but you, Jesus.  Nothing but the touch of your heart to mine.  Nothing but the consuming passion that loving you offers.  No quick fix, no temporary comfort in the flesh, no secondary satisfaction.
Only You.  Only You.  You.   You.
Discipline my thoughts, Jesus.  Help me to discipline my thoughts.  xoxo