What an evening.  I was driving home remembering some dear friends of mine.  Lifelong friends.  I haven't stopped by in quite some time so right at the four way stop that leads to their house I just strongly felt that I should turn left and go see them.  Yes, it meant dinner would be later.  Yes, it meant I wouldn't get to the yard work I wanted to do.  Yes, yes...but I turned left.  As soon as my friend let me in the door, I could see she was not alright.  This woman is literally like a mother to me, and her eyes were red, she was downcast.  "Are you alright?" I asked,"Yeah, well..no, _____ has breast cancer."  Sinking feeling.  _____ is 6 months younger than me with 3 small children.  I have known her since I was 18 months old.  They are doing lumpectomies and giving her the choice of taking one breast or two and when, yada yada, chemo, radiation....  Ugh.  I couldn't cry.  Her mother was weeping and explaining everything and I was just shocked. I just sat there.  I felt guilty for not joining in her tears, but I just sat there... _____.  _____.
I know well enough that when you are truly in a pit all of the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and the "all of this will work together for her good" schpeal is just ridiculous to bring up.  Pain is pain and we are all allowed to feel it.
I got home and my 'replacement phone' had arrived because the phone I have had for 8 months  has these glitches that they can't seem to fix by wiping my phone clean.  Grrr.  So now I have 7 days to switch everything over and see if this 'new' phone works any better.  Great.  My ringer, that I have NO idea how my ex husband got to work... is as good as gone.  I hate choosing a blasted ringer.
I also came home to an envelope from the IRS.  Not the one I THOUGHT I would be getting, so I praise God...this battle is still in progress and lets face it, timing is everything.  But I am tired of this battle.  I feel weary.  Sad.
My brother and I live together.  I love him and he is a great brother.  He has his quirks, as do I, and for the most part we try to just live around them.  His love language is gifts and he is ever bringing home junk food and dancing around in front of me with it like, "lookie, what I brought  you!"  Right now, I am fasting sweets and desserts as a sacrifice and reminder to pray for a major event my church is having next month.  He doesn't fast and hasn't come to a place where he understands it yet.  He rolls his eyes and says, "Jesus said to eat what you want."  and I said,"Jesus himself fasted, and He is my example."  Hellooooo.  Well, that's fine we can agree to disagree and I am fine when he eats sweets, actually totally fine.  But he keeps saying things to me like, "mmmmm. brownies."  or,"hey, should I make these sugar cookies?"  I am like, "yeah, go ahead."  to which he answers, "you suck."  because he wants to share them with me.  Sorry... not.  So this evening, after my girlfriends news, etc, I come home and no joke...there is a pizza sized danish with crumbles and apple filling sitting on the stove.  A pizza size.  Now, it's just the two of us that live here, and he knows that this is my favorite kind of danish.  The crumbles get me.  So I seriously feel like he is blatantly trying to tempt me and go off of my fast.  It's so disrespectful and I cannot believe it is coming from him, actually.  He is a believer, I can't believe he is intentionally disrespecting something spiritual that I am trying to accomplish.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make me want the danish.  He can shove that danish straight up his ass.  It just upsets me that he is blatantly disrespecting my belief.  I don't even have the energy to confront him about it, which I know would be the healthy thing to do.
I know that I know that I know that God is for me.  He is for my girlfriend w/ breast cancer.  He is for us and absolutely in control.  I trust Him, I really do.  I believe, even when life sucks.  He is the answer.  But...man, do I get tired sometimes.  I just get tired.  Weary.
Isaiah 40:31  'but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.' 

So I come against faintness in the name of Jesus Christ.

I come against weariness and fatigue. 

I come against discouragement and all of the tools of the enemy.

In the authority of Jesus Christ I come against Satan and the sugary danish he is using to tempt me and say NO MORE.  You have no place here, be gone.  

I come against cancer in my sister's body and I pray healing according to His riches in heaven.

Healing for her in Jesus Name. 

Jesus.  Jesus.  *sigh*  Jesus.  

Well, what can I say? I got screwed.

The IRS denied my claim for innocent spouse relief.
It doesn't matter that it is his debt.
It doesn't matter that all money they have received has come from my returns and my wages.
It doesn't matter that it is mostly for his unpaid social security tax.
It just doesn't matter.
The gal actually said to me, 'I don't see him being responsible for anything.' so basically, they don't believe he will start now and pay his debt, so I have to.  Um, yeah.
It doesn't matter that I have been an upstanding citizen regarding my taxes since I was 15.
It doesn't matter that my life has gone upside down.  She actually asked me, "soooo, in 2009 you realized there was a big problem, and you are just now in 2012 divorced?"  Like, 'what took you so long, lady?'
She asked me, "So, in 2009 you realize there is a problem.  In April of 2010 when you filed your tax returns for 2009, knowing there was a debt, why did you file a joint tax return?"  I was silent. She asked, "do you understand?"  I said,"Yes, well... that is a bold thought.  It didn't occur to me not to...I mean, he was my husband.  I honestly didn't realize that I could do that."
She told me that being divorced now was in my favor.
She told me that my financial situation, according to my budget, where as it was tight, things like Pets and Tithing are nice, but not necessary expenditures- that money could be a payment to them.  So my financial situation was not in my favor.  She sees no hardship.
She said that the reasonable expectation of my ex actually paying was not in my favor.
That my compliance was in my favor, whatever that means.
That I wasn't physically abused, and my mental and physical state where fine, so there is no favor there.
Now all I can do it wait to see what the letter of determination says.  What they say I should owe and the payments.  Every dime they have taken from me so far is just 'interest on the first couple of years'  oye.

God has a plan of redemption for me.
He has a plan to prosper me and NOT to harm me.
He loves me.  His love is no less because this awful thing has happened.  He grieves with me at the pain, loss, and struggle.
I praise Him.
I praise Him because He is worthy of praise.
I praise Him because He has never left me, or forsaken me, and He will not now.
I praise Him because He is bigger than the IRS.
I praise Him.  I bought chocolate cake and strawberries in celebration of His love for me.
I cannot see how any of this is going to work out.  But, truthfully...the how is kinda none of my business. My business is to focus on Him, to Trust, and to allow the healing to begin.  Oh, the healing.  I long for it.  It will come, because the One who loves me is faithful and true.
Faithful and True.

Tomorrow could be the Day...

So tomorrow could be the day.
I have a phone call appointment with the appeals dept. of the IRS regarding my case for Relief.
Not sure how much I have talked about the IRS...ugh...the IRS, man.
In 2009 I started learning that my former husband had never paid his business taxes.
In 2010 they levied my wages and sent us into the worst year I have ever had- food boxes, unpaid bills, unable to pay rent, working and receiving no money...horrible.  Horrible.  Most horrible.
2011 living under owing them an insurmountable amount, and going thru the separation, divorce, and end of my dreams of marriage and children.  Turning 40.  Then in 2012 beginning to receive redemption and reclaiming of so much that has been broken.
2012 has brought light, returning wellness, grief in its proper place, and the finalization of what was.  How do I express my gratitude and deliverance?  I simply cannot.  For what had been severely taken advantage of and bankrupt is now being restored.
So tomorrow, after being told it would take "several months before even being addressed" I have an appointment that can change everything.  I believe with this shift He is doing regarding school that God will clean this all up before I have to go.  Before I walk into the season of preparation and growth for my future.  Clean slate so nothing can hinder.  No hint of what was to darken all that needs to take place.  Gone, gone...and restored, even.
Tomorrow could be the day, when the answers I give are sufficient.  When the favor is mine, finally, and Justice is finally served.
Tomorrow.  After years of wait.  Tomorrow.

A major shift

Wow, it's not good to let too much time go between posts.  It is entirely too hard to catch  you up on all that has happened.  Without going into too much painful detail I will say that Sumo is no longer in the original home I placed him in.  What a train wreck that was...poor guy, and poor me!  And, poor gal who had to give him up when didn't work out, sheeeeesh.  But he is safe and happy now.  Praise God.

So my plan for several months has been to move to Kona, Hawaii to University of the Nations with YWAM (Youth w/ a Mission)  I want a degree in Biblical counseling.  God has used me in this type of roll on different levels for years and revealed to me about two and a half or so years ago that I would go to school and be a counselor.  Interesting... so, prayerfully after my marriage ended I started taking steps toward doing it.
Now, lately, there has been a shift.  A rousing of my spirit that I cannot explain.  There is another class at UofN that I want to take.  It is a 9 month bible course.  40 hours a week bible study, from Genesis to Revelation.  I have always wanted to know the bible better.  It is one thing to know it, grow in the Word, and have the gift of it...but to truly be lead in a deep study of it so that when someone has a conversation I am not lost feeling like, 'I don't know what he means by that' doing the head nod as if I do understand or having to say, "I don't know what you mean by that..."  but actually keep up in biblical conversations.  I want that.  I want to understand all that God did and gave us in His word.  So, here is this course...oh...wow.  But it is not required for my degree, is longer, and lets face it...I don't have the money.  For any of it, but...now adding an additional course that is not required ...well.  So I cannot explain it.  But weeks after finding this course, God starts...rousing my spirit is all I can say.  Drawing me to it.  I called the school to ask some questions that I have had and the gal couldn't answer all of my questions.  So, she gives me the email of the course instructor for the class I am drawn to.  He responds with complete information and by encouraging me to take this class first because, 'no matter where you go or what course you take next you will have the foundation of understanding the bible.'  It will only enhance all my other courses.  Gulp.  You know when someone speaks truth to you and it just resonates so strongly in your core because it is truth..well, I knew that was true.  So...then I freak out a bit.  "God...what are you doing??? The plan is January.  The plan is Biblical counseling."  I totally had to stop and pray coming against fear because I don't want to miss what He has for me because of my flesh. Because I am not prepared.  My not being prepared will just further His glory because ONLY in Him will I gain the money to pay for it and actually get all the ducks in a row in time to go.  September!!  That is 3 months sooner than planned.  I thought I had 6 months to get insurance, write my support letters, work on my mom's house, yada yada yada.  Not to mention, what is the deal w/ the IRS?!!  I have not been granted relief with the case I have w/ them.  Can I even leave w/ out that being resolved?!!!!!
So I am crying out waiting for the Lord to be clear.  To say to me "September" or "January."  So I know what to apply for- which way to walk.  I go to church this morning and the guy stands up before offering and talks about the "voice that you will hear behind you directing you, saying 'this is the way, walk in it' whether it is to the right or the left, you will know."  Is.30:21  Yes, Lord!!!  Open my ears to hear you!!!  Tonight was family night at church and I sat w/ that guy and my friend, and pastor.  We started talking about that and they heard my schpeal.  Both of them felt that I should apply for September.  That if it is NOT God's will He will close the door...and that the 'good decisions are made by many counselors.'  :) I realized this morning in church, too...that even tho I am scared because of the lack of time it gives me...that I do want this Bible class first.  I do want it.  I wouldn't have ever veered from the course, but I know that God knows what I truly want...and He is guiding me to it.  Amazing.  I want to know His word.  I want to really understand it, in all its detailed crazy goodness.  One step at a time....after this course...I can deal w/ the Biblical Counseling degree... God willing!!!!
So... on to search for grants, etc.  Oh, Lord....Lord!  Make a way, I pray.  Provide abundantly, I pray, as you never fail to do.  Astound me, God...that I may grow in the wonder of you and into the destiny I have waited 40 years to walk into.  I pray this... In Christ Jesus Name.