I am My Beloved's and He is so totally Mine.

So with once again white walls, and all my animals gone...I move forward.
My last few nights in this house I called home.  God is so faithful.
Walking and crying on a break this last week, God told me how, the first time (I went to YWAM and was drastically changing my life) He made the way easy for me.  (My dog had died the year before, I didn't have to make any choices there- everything fell into place)  This time, I am older, and I have to make choices that are intentional in pursuit of Him.  I am more mature, things are not handed to us, as they are when we are children.  They are worked for.  Fought for.  Intentionally pursued with radical choices for radical changes.
My children are all placed, save one 14 year old declawed cat.  Just me and the mo mo buster.
God has told me twice before, that "everything that has been stolen/broken will be replaced/restored to me."  These promises have come over the last 10 years...and with so much death, the human tendency is to say, "really...when?  how?"  But just this morning, a pastor spoke to me again...saying how during worship as she looked out God spoke to her about me.  He said, "Tell her to get ready.  I am going to restore everything the locus' have taken.  All of it.  But she has to get ready."
My church is hard core.  Fire baptized believers who flow in all the gifts of the Holy Spirit.  I was not raised this way, but God has over the last 10 years of my life opened up doors and dimensions to me.  The spiritual realm is no joke.  I have learned much...but I am absolutely positive that the surface of all I will learn has yet to be scratched.  I am a warrior preparing for my lifes call to war.  Healings, deliverance's, breaking free and bringing others with me.  Coming against the bullshit of this world and all that the enemy throws at us to hold us down.  I look forward.  I have a "deliverance anointing."  That is what was spoken to me.  God Himself, while we were worshiping, spoke to me and said, "When I unleash these things on you, it's on..."  I have been allowing childish struggles and fleshly thoughts to have too much time in my head.  I have always been referred to as a 'little dynamite' or 'spunky' thing.  But that initial spark is going to turn into an all consuming fire that burns so hot and brightly that even my enemies will know I am blessed.
I'm so tired of struggle and playing around.  I am so tired of allowing things to sideswipe me.  I declare that I will become the equipt warrior I was created to be.  I cast off the generational curses that my parents have passed down to me in the name of Jesus Christ.  I will not walk under their yokes.
I am human.  But I am also chosen.  Enough is enough.  I am going into this 3rd chapter of my life walking upright.
I have wept, not cried, every single day for the last however many days.  I have been dealing with death and loss so completely that I have been a little crazy!  No...really... coo coo.  But I am truly grateful...that in spite of myself...God orders my steps.  That even when I step outside and blatantly try to walk in my own way...He protects me.  He sustains me in my insanity and will NOT ALLOW me to ruin myself.  I am pregnant with promise.  With destiny.  I understand fully, what it means to be a slave.  To my flesh, to addictions, to chaos and disorder.  But I am grateful, and confident, that God is ultimately the One in control.  I am my beloveds, and He is so totally Mine.

Bye Bye my Beloveds...

I am so exhausted but I know if I don't write some of this down, it will be lost.
I am in full blown transition. I have been, emotionally and spiritually for some time, but now I am physically transitioning and I don't know which is worse.
I have been  praying, praying, praying and finding homes to place my beloved children in.  My furry, four legged companions that hold so much of my heart, I can't imagine breathing without them, which is why I must sacrifice them to move forward.  I am grateful that they are almost all moving into great homes and families- but the pain of their departure is killing me.  I weep at the drop of a hat.  I am so sick and tired of crying.  I hate it.  It is past the point of trying to control it just happens and I am powerless to stop it.  So, I weep.  A lot.  Often.  Ugh, why wear make up.  I would think there is something seriously wrong with me except it is like death 5 times over... 5 simultaneous deaths.  On top of my IRS "business" and the actual death of my marriage, although believe it or not... this is more painful.  I consider that pure deliverance..sad as it may be.
I am literally in the last days now.  It is Tuesday and my little dog goes to his new home Thursday evening.  Two more nights to sleep with him curled up on my left side. Nose sticking out from under his burrowed spot.
My big dog transitions this weekend.  Four more nights to cover him up with his fleece blanket to my right because he shivers at night. And the tears.  again. *sigh*
I'm so tired.
So tired of death.  So tired of things not working out.  So tired of loss and disappointment.  Life is truly a bitch.  I want to karate kick her square in the ass and say enough already.
That is why I am doing this.  Saying goodbye to my most treasured possessions and relationships.  Because there is more.  There is more than Modesto, Ca and more than this shit rental with scary neighbors.  More than punching that damn clock everyday and watching my mouth.  I intend to find it.  With everything in me I am going to pursue Jesus Christ and life with Him as my Husband.  I am going to leave this town if it kills me- even if I may return (parents getting older and all) and embrace all that I know to be true.  I have one last shot to get this life thing right and I intend to give it my best shot.  Well, I have many more shots but it feels like this is it.
As I sit on my floor made cot, living out of an ice chest and feel the ache of a weariness from hard work- I think to myself- I could do this anywhere.  Hawaii, India, Italy, Korea, Brazil... anywhere.
And I just may. I juuuuust may.