I don't know whether to fill you in on the highlights of the past or just jump straight into the current. I don't think I have energy to do both, so I will start where I am and give history where necessary, I guess.
God is doing so much in my life. I find myself on the edge of a brand new season full of restoration and growth in ways I never wrapped my head around. I have always loved Him, even with bouts of anger over circumstances and consequence of choices- but I have always loved Him. To the extent that I have been able to love. Which is NOTHING compared to the way in which He loves me, but that is another blog for sure.
Right now I am going thru a divorce. Again. Ouch, yeah. But God is so beyond all of that. He is just overwhelming me with His sweetness and ushering me back info a degree of relationship with Him that surpasses words like, 'mistake', 'divorce', 'failure', or 'oops.' It's not that He doesn't care... it's just that it is not at the base of what matters...which is Love, Forgiveness, Restoration, and Relationship. Hallelujah Praise Be to God. Whew!!!
I am in between sadness for the things that are passing away and excitement for all that is about to come. It is so close I can smell it in the air like a fireplace at Christmastime and the warm fuzzy feeling before you open your gifts the morning of...only my gift is Christ Himself and the warm fuzzy is never gone because the wrapping paper is all on the ground and the 'good part' is over. My gift just keeps coming. It just gets better and I just have more and more to look forward to.
It occurs to me that one might think, 'well goodie for you, being all tight w/ Jesus and all, but what about those of us that are suffering?' I have suffered. I have been suffering for years wondering when the break would come and the pressure would relieve. I am not going to get into all of the suffering right now-or try to prove that I have genuinely suffered. Everyone has suffered, suffering is different to each of us and comes at different levels but we have all suffered- for pitties sake we live here.
This morning in church the speaker was teaching on pruning, diligent obedience, and sacrifice. Any one of those could be a sermon in itself but he tapped on all three. I have been grieving because of all of the loss I have experienced in these last years but especially now with the death of my marriage and all I need to continue to give up to get to where I want to go. Some of the things I have known I need to give up are my pets. Now to some people this would be fairly easy thing to do- but for me- it is like Abraham taking Isaac up for the sacrifice. It is the literal handing over of my children. (yes, I am one of THOSE people.) I don't have any children, am not able to have any biologically, and understand now that my dream of adoption is gone also. I have loved animals with a deep unspeakable connection since my youth and it is not slowing down now!! So my treasure in them- has to be pruned. Sacrificed. I lost many of you that may be reading right there...but some of you understand. Some of you would tear with empathy at the thought. Where my treasure is, my heart is also, and my heart is obviously bound captive by my exceeding love for my babies. I cannot be free to engage in this next season of my life with Christ as long as I am clinging to my dog for affection or allowing him to take up some of my prayer time because 'he is just so cute when he jumps up and falls asleep on me...' The question comes to most, 'but why would Christ ever ask you to give up what you love most?' or 'A loving God wouldn't ask you to do that.' I am talking to the radical ones here... the sold out hard core lovers of Jesus Christ who know that it is more about my character and where He is taking me than my temporary comfort or affection for a pet.
I am headed for a goal. There can be nothing that stands in the way of complete wholeness and communion with my Savior, Lover, Husband, Friend, Redeemer, and more.
Half of knowing what you want, is knowing what you have to give up, to get it.
Pray for me. I weep at the thought of letting my big dog go. He is such a sweet spirit. He is a new spirit, I think...so pure and good. His name is Sumo. He is my boy. I pray for the best home possible for him.
Here I come, Lord.
Make straight the pathes, I pray.
I believe I get what you're sharing. I've experienced deep hurts and losses too, different ones, but they've hurt like crazy - and only Jesus has been healing them at the level where they're the most tender... Your blog is encouraging, and my spirit is touched by your heart's desire to be closer to Jesus, our pure Beloved. I will pray for you as you continue to take steps, painful, yet necessary, to be where you're being drawn to. Hugs to you, sister.
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